Meditations on Getting Laid Off

Eight Months of Chaos and Beauty

Photo credit: Olivia Gardella

“Some lessons have to be experienced before they can be understood.”
- Michael Batnick

01 Pauper to King

I’m crying across the table from my wife as we savor five courses of delicious dishes at Freya, a farm-to-table restaurant in Detroit. We’re celebrating my new job after eight months of unemployment. The restaurant crowned our celebration with a dining experience that made me feel like I’d instantly gone from living like a pauper to a king.

The previous 248 days felt like a different world. Each day prior forced me to face the shame of where I got my sense of self-worth from and shattered my perception of what it means to be a man. Navigating emotional tsunami after tsunami, my wife and I weathered the waves with the grace available to us—the experience felt like a never-ending storm.

In hindsight, despite the scars, I am grateful I was laid off. Coming out of the situation, I emerged into the person I wanted to be while recognizing that I already was that person.

This essay is meant to remind me of the journey I took in the place between places; it’s an honoring of wisdom attained through experience. I navigated shame and surrendered to what is—ultimately seeing that my life is beautiful. Reflecting on these past eight months, my conscience whispered something I knew but refused to acknowledge—I have merely one purpose—to live.

02 Shame Casts a Shadow

Deep shame ate me alive when I was unemployed. Another job application rejection—great. After eight interviews with one company: “We’ve chosen to go with another candidate.” Can’t buy that—have to focus on essential living expenses. “So what do you do for a living, Ben?” My wife should leave me—I’m a mess. I’m a burden. Why reach out to my friends? No one is going to want to hang out with me.

I’m a confident person. But each time something didn’t go the way I hoped, each time someone asked me how I was doing, shame cut me down, forcing me to mend myself up again the next day. I realized that my confidence and sense of self-worth stemmed from my occupation. It’s easy to say title and money don’t matter—but when that job was stripped from me without warning I couldn’t hide from the truth—I had woven these illusory concepts deeply into my identity—and it felt like someone was ripping me at the seams. I got my sense of self-worth from what I could provide to others and what others thought of me given my job. I was embarrassed by that revelation. Furious.

The only way to address that shame was to put it front and center. It took a while but I asked for help from my community and wife on this specific challenge. While addressing the emotion of shame will span a lifetime—acknowledging its hold on me and allowing my loved ones to assist, revealed something simple: My value does not come from my accomplishments, a title, or salary; that is the lie society sold me and I ate. I am valuable and worthy simply because I exist. Since the day I was born. Since “day one”—I already had it. I just forget that.

When a child is born, parents don’t say, “We’re going to love you because you grant us tax benefits,” we can all agree that would be ridiculous. The child is valuable because they exist. Without effort. That’s the truth I recognized and will water within myself each day.

03 The Art of Surrender

Six months into my layoff, I sought counsel from a friend who had gone through many challenges including multiple unemployment periods. During our conversation, my friend said one word that changed my mental trajectory and attitude toward my unemployment situation—surrender. 

Surrender is not “giving up”. It does not mean to stop trying. It means letting go of desired outcomes—the opposite of resistance. Emulating surrender meant feeling everything, accepting the flow of the river, life, and doing what I needed to do without self-judgment.

After that conversation with my friend, I permitted myself the grace and faith that my wife and I would navigate this storm; I’d stop resisting the experience that life had put before me and just be.

We control nothing in the grand scheme of our existence, yet I tricked myself into believing I was a god in my own story, rather than a finite, beautiful human being. Shattering that illusion was essential—it allowed me to pick myself up again, granting me the tenacity to let go while continuing to swim.

I can’t say that all my behavior and thoughts following the conversation with my friend embodied this newfound wisdom. What I can say is that I let go of the relentless focus I had on how things were supposed to go. And because of that, more so than any other moment in my life, I accepted myself as I am.

04 Rich All Along

I start my job this upcoming Monday. And when I look back at the past eight months, I see the beauty of it all. My layoff put into perspective where I truly get joy from.

I baked my first cake for my wife’s birthday. I attended my university’s five-year reunion. I had wonderful, heart-warming conversations with friends. I drove up to Connecticut with my wife for my father’s sixtieth birthday and made a speech to celebrate him. I supported other people I know going through their layoff journeys.

Every day, I was blessed to have dinner with my wife. I watched wonderful movies and read powerful books that gave me goosebumps. I greeted the sun with a few walks in the neighborhood every day. There were so many things that were hard during my layoff, but these simple moments put into perspective the things that matter. I was rich all along because of the invaluable moments I had with loved ones and myself. That said, I am grateful for the collective experience of it all. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy that all of this happened.

05 I Am Here

I close this essay with some simple mantras and thoughts.

I am enough. How I showed up was enough. I don’t have to do anything to matter; I always mattered. I will not resist the waves that lie ahead, for resisting is the antithesis of living. I will allow things to unfold, continue to shed myself of shame and accept myself as I am.

I recognize that when I “mess up,” or when things go wrong, I can pick myself up and begin again right then—that’s the beauty of living. Struggle and surrender are what make being a human so interesting. And who wants to live a boring life? Not me.

We have but a speck of time on this small rock in the universe. I will feel all the pain and the joy. It’s real. I’m here. I’m alive.

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Acknowledgment

To my amazing wife—thank you for supporting our family during our layoff. Thank you for supporting me. You are the most inspiring and beautiful human being. I love you simply because you exist and always will.

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Voilà
A Spotify playlist

The playlist I made below represents my layoff journey through the lens of music. I hope the songs help you on your journey as they did for me.

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Most Impactful Tools During My Journey
Links

• Never Search Alone - Career guidance manual that provided the highest return on investment and time in my job search (~$16)

• Job Search Council - Free club for job search support

• Template for Interview Prep - Free resource made by yours truly

• Jobright.AI - Free AI job search copilot

• W3 Schools - Free resource to learn how to code

• YNAB - Budgeting tool (~$10/month)

• I Will Teach You To Be Rich - Personal finance book (~$10)

• Eating healthy, exercising often, and prioritizing good sleep (See infographic below - Source: Sleepscore Labs)

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